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Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?
These questions have had me yearning for as long as I remember. To seek to know they made me wander. They made me observe and ponder. They infused me with wonder. I have stumbled and run and danced and I sang and soared high. I also fell deep and got hurt and struggled and got up and continued on. I lost my voice and heard others form my words for me. I found my voice again and I am practicing saying much less. I have walked slowly savoring every scent, every breath, every move and I have gotten carried away forgetting myself completely and maybe then most been myself. I’ve sat still to find answers but not nearly enough.
The yearning made me go on when I had no other reason. It made me leave and not look back. To seek root in new soil not knowing why but that it is so. It made me stick around and do what needed to be done when all in me said RUN! I was innocent and naive and foolish and blind and maybe still at times may be. I have gotten burnt and disappointed and heartbroken. Life is so often heartbreaking. I was close to become bitter in vain.
I am still searching in wonder, more and more in awe of this wonder… perhaps this is the pulse that fuels my soul.
I am yet awakening and also again and again falling asleep.
Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?
Sometimes it is so clear. Sometimes it is fading out of my grasp like a dream upon awakening… and transmuting and forming and reforming within.
Facing my demons one day I made a choice and a commitment. I clearly remember the moment. Fiercely I decided right then and there! I will face my demons! I will not give up! I will not run! I will not go numb. I refuse to go numb! I will not grow old and bitter! It was a fierce calling of the soul. I had but no choice to follow.
I will go on! I will seek out the light! I will seek out love! I will take responsibility for my self.
I will seek the light! Light and lightness. I NEED light and lightness…
The humming-bird became my most beloved friend . Light and lightness. Humming Bird helped me survive.
The journey has not been easy . Who knew that choosing the light would take me through my darkest places and still do. The fears and insecurity never went away as one would think. I learned to carry on. I still do. To know that I am not my thoughts my feelings and all … I am so much more. I think it may not be meant to be easy or hard. It just is. Easy or not. It is!
It is full of wonder and full range of emotions … Full range of emotions! …how comfortable is that? Full of lessons and always learning, and not to mention UN-learning. Much allowing what is to be. More and more allowing. Much gentleness in allowing what is to surface. All the ugly. Oceans of tears and agony. Withering pain that have me floored not able to get up. Despair. Loathing. Most of all of my self. Learning and forgiving not least when I forget what I once already learned. ( Argh!!!)
Always at the end of the day … or at dawn … The wonder… The beauty that is regardless of where I am at. The world carries on regardless. The immensity of love and courage and life that propels me forward. That propel all that is.
I source many answers out of the raw of my soul. Much love and forgiveness of myself and others. Gentleness with that which I still can’t let go. I have taken counsel to loved ones and those that raise my rage. As pointers to the truth within. Sometimes so confused by it all. Fighting with all my might only to find my self facing me. Chance meetings give me clues and tell me just what I need to know. Loved ones strength when I thought I had none. Courage to do what need to be done. Dreams and visions profoundly shapes who I am. If I miss the lesson life always provide another opportunity. Sometimes so sure I already knew. I have met and meet teachers that gently awake what I already know and help me pull it together and trust. Question and nudge where I hold to strong. Every moment a reason to be. The Ordinary and Everyday life is life lived! Awareness the raw honest teacher always present even when I pretend.
Gathering along the way. Glimpses of meaning and tools to carry me through. An always deep and deepening gratitude. To life itself. The support that is given when most needed. The bonds of that love that live cross time and space. The tender love shared in everyday life. The resources found within when all else falls away. The generosity of the universe. Most of all that this can be shared. That this is shared!
What a wonder! Acceptance that we are all but on a journey of learning . All the beauty. The profound love. The vulnerability that opens hearts and minds. The courage to just be. With what is. Comfortable or not so comfortable. Perfectly imperfect.
A desire of sharing this light and this hope. This space and openness. A gradual perhaps growing up. Formed within a purpose of passing on but the little I know. The nurture and allowing. The tools that may carry us through. The courage to let go. To become every day more of who we really are. Laughter and tears. Fully aware that the journey have only just begun. This journey is an intimate dance with all there is. Care to Dance? …Or dive right in and swim?